Many think of blended families as a rather new institution, coming to fruition in correlation to the rising divorce rates of the mid-to-late 20th century. But, given the high mortality rates for women in childbirth, stepfamilies have been around much longer than we may have considered. These remarriages, often driven by necessity, created family bonds that were just as important as biological ones. Yet, despite the long history and prevalence of stepfamilies, many genealogists still overlook their significance in family trees, focusing primarily on biological connections.
This is a missed opportunity, for it is very likely that these “steps” had a meaningful impact on the biological members of our families. Consider the obvious scenarios: a stepmother who raised her husband’s children after their own mother died in childbirth; a stepfather who supported and loved the children of his new wife who had been widowed at a young age; and new stepsiblings who came along with new marriages. These folks likely made a difference in the lives of their families.
At a minimum, examining and considering the impact that a step-ancestor may have had on a biological ancestor could bring a whole new perspective to a story.
If you’ve been prone to skip over the steps in your family, you’re not alone. According to a 2011 study by the Pew Research Center, 40% of American adults “have at least one step relative in their family – either stepparent, step or half sibling or a stepchild” but “they typically feel a stronger sense of obligation to their biological family members than to their step-relatives.”1
This tendency to prioritize biological relatives also manifests in genealogy, where step-relatives are often glossed over, despite the critical roles they may have played in shaping family dynamics. As I delve deeper into my own family history, I realize that I, too, have been guilty of this oversight. I have begun to recognize just how much the “steps” in my family have shaped me personally.
Most notably, my maternal grandparents were divorced and my grandmother remarried. All three of them attended every family gathering and event of my childhood. If there was animosity between them, I never saw it. I thought nothing of it at the time, but their amicable relationship was an inspiring example and model for me when my marriage ended. I have written about all three of these grandparents and how Grandpa John was someone I loved as much as my biological grandparents, Vivian and Louis.
My paternal grandmother died when I was young and though I have a few photos of her, I do not have any memories. I only knew Grandma Toni – my grandfather’s second wife. She shared many of her family’s traditions with us that I never would have been exposed to, making her just as much a part of my family legacy as my biological grandmother, whose influence I never had the chance to fully experience.
The lives of my parents weren’t greatly influenced by their stepparents – at least not through a “parental” role. This is different than the way my husband has impacted the lives of my children (and perhaps how I have impacted the lives of his children.) We were married when our children were 5, 8, 9 and 12 year olds. Our children still had their other parents (and their new spouses) all playing a significant role in their day-to-day lives. I can’t imagine any of our children being able to tell their life stories without including the steps – stepparents and stepsiblings on both sides. It’s integral to who they are and the bonds formed in these complicated relationships impact the legacy of our family as much as biological ties.
Looking back, I realize that until I started writing the stories of my ancestors, I had largely ignored the steps in my own family tree.
It’s embarrassing to acknowledge that, as obvious as it should have been to me given my role as a stepparent, it’s not blood that makes a family.
Researching step-relatives can enhance a family history in unexpected ways and I encourage you to consider the rich stories that may lie within the “steps” of your family. Whether biological, adoptive, or step, these relationships create the fabric of our family legacies.
Source: Pew Research Center. “A Portrait of Stepfamilies” Jan 13, 2011. Accessed 13 Sept 2024. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2011/01/13/a-portrait-of-stepfamilies/.
Yesterday, we were watching old family videos with my sons and my grandchildren. When my older son was identifying the individuals for his children, he mentioned that they were my brother and sisters, then changed it to my step-brother and -sisters.
I had to chime in and tell them Aunt Ellie was my best friend for many years (she has passed away). Then my son mentioned that he never thinks of his brother as his half-brother. (My husband had sole physical custody of his 6-year-old son and he insisted on calling me Mom as soon as I was engaged to his father. I legally adopted him once he was an adult. The other son is my only biological child.)
Because I came from a blended family, I saw my 14-year-old brother's struggle between his loyalty to his mother and his relationship with my mother with whom he lived. I told my son right off that he could love more than one person. Loving me didn't mean he couldn't love his biological mother.
So yes, I totally agree that you should include everyone in the household in your research. This month I'll be posting a story that mentions Nehemiah Spencer who moved from Connecticut to now West Virginia and helped his half-brother, Dr. Joseph Spencer start a settlement.
Thank you. Great reminder.