Oh, Kirsi, that's just heartbreaking. I haven't so far uncovered letters or diaries, but gosh what a treasure. They share what must be a universal anguish. 😢
I don't have any written record of the grief of my ancestors, but I know the trauma is real. My grandmother was born in 1901. She came from a large Irish family and lost several siblings at a young age. She never talked about her family. It was a sealed box. She never revealed that she had a a sister, who died in 1919, or a brother, who died in 1923. Or any of the other family members who had died before them.
Wow, @Kirsi, what deeply moving and insightful letters. Thank you for sharing them with all of us.
You're right, as genealogists, we come across a mind-numbingly number of records detailing infant mortality. I have one ancestor who gave birth to 11 children, none of whom saw their first birthday. I can't even imagine her resilience and pain. Yet, reading Katie's words, I do get a sense of the heavy burden of grief she must have carried, and perhaps how she was able to go on. Thanks for that.
Thank you, Lori. 11 children who didn't age is heart-breaking. I can't imagine the type of losses our grandmothers endured. In Katie's letters, we saw a bit about her loneliness and I was also struck about how she said her young son and her husband were dealing with it all. You make a good point about how bits of everything that we individually share help us learn more about our own ancestors. Thank you for commenting.
These letters are a real treasure and I'm so glad you shared them with us. Now I will think of my ancestors grieving as yours did and not just "getting over it".
That’s heartbreaking to read Kirsi, but I am one hundred percent in agreement with you on this. There is a common misconception that because families experienced the death of their children far more commonly than we do today that their grief was somehow less. I am a firm believer that the loss of every child was felt equally as deeply back then as it would be today. The fact that in your family, they openly talked about their loss would certainly helped the other members of the family cope with their own emotions and feelings.
Thanks Paul. I’ve come to wonder about how family bonds may have changed after the loss of a child. Back then, as you say, it was not uncommon to lose a child (more than one, often) and if families didn’t talk about their grief, surely they struggled to connect to each other? Maybe that’s another misnomer… maybe they did openly talk about their loss? I am glad to have some evidence of connection after the loss. It is hopeful.
It's pertinent that I read this today Kirsi, as today is the 19th anniversary of the death of my teenage son. There have been many deaths of children in my family, but I have never read the words of grief from the parents. I found the words so touching and it shows that even though child death occurred more often in earlier times, it was still almost too much to bear
I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions, even 19 years after an untimely death. I hope you’ve found some peace or at minimum have some loving and supporting people in your life to offer comfort.
Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.
Thanks for sharing. It is so fortunate that you have the letters which give you such a personal view of their grief. Like everyone else I expect, I have come across a good deal of child loss in my own family history research (both my own and my husband's families) but unfortunately I have yet to find evidence in the form of diaries or letters to illustrate how the grief was felt and expressed. Even so, I have no doubt it was felt keenly. How could it not be.
I think that is really the jist of it all. We find little remnants in a gov't record, a ruined monument or your great grandmothers letters. And pull out the story. The process is always the same. But honestly I don't know what I am going to write until I start and then it just comes out, and I read it and think, so that's what I needed to say. I have a collection of letters my grandmother wrote to my father when he went off to war to join the unit with the highest casualty rates of WWII. You made me want to go back and re-read to see the anxiety written between the lines. Spoiler alert, he came back a little shook up but survived with no visible wounds.
I’ll be curious if upon your reread of your grandmother’s letters you feel the anxiety. I know that almost every time I go back to a record — especially a complicated one such a s a census record — I notice something different. With some of the old letters in my collection, I first looked for names and dates to validate births and deaths, or find nicknames. But upon reevaluating I saw the emotion as it relates to the deaths of the children. AI is also a good tool to help pull out insights from a series of letters. I cut and paste the series of 12 letters (which I had transcribed) into ChatGPT and asked it to provide a summary and analysis as well as any insights. It was enough feedback to get my brain rolling down a path, which lead to deeper research, such as the delayed death registration. As you say, it’s a process. :)
I've used AI as a sort of sounding board during brainstorming, as well. I've found that putting a historical context around things often makes a huge difference, and AI can be a great help in that area.
I'm not sure how my ancestors grieved over lost children but I did find a pattern of 3 losses per generation - one mother each generation - including me. In the course of IVF to have another child after our first and my now ex-husband's cancer diagnosis - we did 4 IVF rounds. I lost twins then a singleton before finally carrying twins to term on our last try. When I lost the first twins I was devastated and had zero emotional support from my then husband. What I learned about 18 years later was this pattern of loss and I began to see how my grief was not just my own for losing those twins then the singleton but also the grief of all my female ancestors who weren't allowed to grieve or have support through that. As an ancestral healer, identifying and feeling that healed not only parts of me but also the women who came before me.
Thanks for sharing. It is so fortunate that you have the letters which give you such a personal view of their grief. Like everyone else I expect, I have come across a good deal of child loss in my own family history research (both my own and my husband's families) but unfortunately I have yet to find evidence in the form of diaries or letters to illustrate how the grief was felt and expressed. Even so, I have no doubt it was felt keenly. How could it not be.
Thanks Jane. I agree that it is fortunate. Many years ago I connected with a cousin via Ancestry DNA and she was the direct descendant of the recipient of letters from her sisters. She was kind enough to share all of them with me, which I am so thankful for.
Prior to these letters, my belief was that of course women were sad when their children died, but they carried on without acknowledging it much. I never stopped to consider the depth of their sorrow and how it may have impacted their daily lives. The letters really illuminated it all. The delay in registering the death of little Timmy was a detail that fills me with sorrow.
Oh, Kirsi, that's just heartbreaking. I haven't so far uncovered letters or diaries, but gosh what a treasure. They share what must be a universal anguish. 😢
Thanks Barbara, I think you’re right: it truly is a universal anguish.
I don't have any written record of the grief of my ancestors, but I know the trauma is real. My grandmother was born in 1901. She came from a large Irish family and lost several siblings at a young age. She never talked about her family. It was a sealed box. She never revealed that she had a a sister, who died in 1919, or a brother, who died in 1923. Or any of the other family members who had died before them.
It’s so sad that there weren’t more ways for our ancestors to share the burden of their grief.
Thank you for commenting and sharing the story.
Wow, @Kirsi, what deeply moving and insightful letters. Thank you for sharing them with all of us.
You're right, as genealogists, we come across a mind-numbingly number of records detailing infant mortality. I have one ancestor who gave birth to 11 children, none of whom saw their first birthday. I can't even imagine her resilience and pain. Yet, reading Katie's words, I do get a sense of the heavy burden of grief she must have carried, and perhaps how she was able to go on. Thanks for that.
Thank you, Lori. 11 children who didn't age is heart-breaking. I can't imagine the type of losses our grandmothers endured. In Katie's letters, we saw a bit about her loneliness and I was also struck about how she said her young son and her husband were dealing with it all. You make a good point about how bits of everything that we individually share help us learn more about our own ancestors. Thank you for commenting.
These letters are a real treasure and I'm so glad you shared them with us. Now I will think of my ancestors grieving as yours did and not just "getting over it".
Thank you, Denyse.
That’s heartbreaking to read Kirsi, but I am one hundred percent in agreement with you on this. There is a common misconception that because families experienced the death of their children far more commonly than we do today that their grief was somehow less. I am a firm believer that the loss of every child was felt equally as deeply back then as it would be today. The fact that in your family, they openly talked about their loss would certainly helped the other members of the family cope with their own emotions and feelings.
Thanks Paul. I’ve come to wonder about how family bonds may have changed after the loss of a child. Back then, as you say, it was not uncommon to lose a child (more than one, often) and if families didn’t talk about their grief, surely they struggled to connect to each other? Maybe that’s another misnomer… maybe they did openly talk about their loss? I am glad to have some evidence of connection after the loss. It is hopeful.
It's pertinent that I read this today Kirsi, as today is the 19th anniversary of the death of my teenage son. There have been many deaths of children in my family, but I have never read the words of grief from the parents. I found the words so touching and it shows that even though child death occurred more often in earlier times, it was still almost too much to bear
I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions, even 19 years after an untimely death. I hope you’ve found some peace or at minimum have some loving and supporting people in your life to offer comfort.
Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.
Hugs to you, Jennifer.
Thanks for sharing. It is so fortunate that you have the letters which give you such a personal view of their grief. Like everyone else I expect, I have come across a good deal of child loss in my own family history research (both my own and my husband's families) but unfortunately I have yet to find evidence in the form of diaries or letters to illustrate how the grief was felt and expressed. Even so, I have no doubt it was felt keenly. How could it not be.
Excellent research to "tease out" all the story from a letter.
Thank you, David. I wasn't sure how to pull it all together in a meaningful way.
I think that is really the jist of it all. We find little remnants in a gov't record, a ruined monument or your great grandmothers letters. And pull out the story. The process is always the same. But honestly I don't know what I am going to write until I start and then it just comes out, and I read it and think, so that's what I needed to say. I have a collection of letters my grandmother wrote to my father when he went off to war to join the unit with the highest casualty rates of WWII. You made me want to go back and re-read to see the anxiety written between the lines. Spoiler alert, he came back a little shook up but survived with no visible wounds.
I’ll be curious if upon your reread of your grandmother’s letters you feel the anxiety. I know that almost every time I go back to a record — especially a complicated one such a s a census record — I notice something different. With some of the old letters in my collection, I first looked for names and dates to validate births and deaths, or find nicknames. But upon reevaluating I saw the emotion as it relates to the deaths of the children. AI is also a good tool to help pull out insights from a series of letters. I cut and paste the series of 12 letters (which I had transcribed) into ChatGPT and asked it to provide a summary and analysis as well as any insights. It was enough feedback to get my brain rolling down a path, which lead to deeper research, such as the delayed death registration. As you say, it’s a process. :)
I've used AI as a sort of sounding board during brainstorming, as well. I've found that putting a historical context around things often makes a huge difference, and AI can be a great help in that area.
What a keepsake to have those letters, @David Shaw! I hope you do return to them and maybe gain the insight you've been looking for.
I'm not sure how my ancestors grieved over lost children but I did find a pattern of 3 losses per generation - one mother each generation - including me. In the course of IVF to have another child after our first and my now ex-husband's cancer diagnosis - we did 4 IVF rounds. I lost twins then a singleton before finally carrying twins to term on our last try. When I lost the first twins I was devastated and had zero emotional support from my then husband. What I learned about 18 years later was this pattern of loss and I began to see how my grief was not just my own for losing those twins then the singleton but also the grief of all my female ancestors who weren't allowed to grieve or have support through that. As an ancestral healer, identifying and feeling that healed not only parts of me but also the women who came before me.
I’m so sorry for your losses.
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal experiences.
Thanks for sharing. It is so fortunate that you have the letters which give you such a personal view of their grief. Like everyone else I expect, I have come across a good deal of child loss in my own family history research (both my own and my husband's families) but unfortunately I have yet to find evidence in the form of diaries or letters to illustrate how the grief was felt and expressed. Even so, I have no doubt it was felt keenly. How could it not be.
Thanks Jane. I agree that it is fortunate. Many years ago I connected with a cousin via Ancestry DNA and she was the direct descendant of the recipient of letters from her sisters. She was kind enough to share all of them with me, which I am so thankful for.
Prior to these letters, my belief was that of course women were sad when their children died, but they carried on without acknowledging it much. I never stopped to consider the depth of their sorrow and how it may have impacted their daily lives. The letters really illuminated it all. The delay in registering the death of little Timmy was a detail that fills me with sorrow.